My Special Place

For a moment I escape
As I slowly close my eyes
Where my dreams replace reality
No more need for a disguise
Where the grass is always greener
And we don’t pretend to care
Where the glass is always half full
and the wind blows through my hair.
It’s the place I can escape to
To clear my state of mind
Where I regain my stability
And leave my past behind.

Impatiently Waiting

I guess I’m just expecting it to feel different; different than its always been.
Where’s the spark?
Where’s that electric feeling that results when two like souls meet.
Everyday I walk my path alone waiting for that spark.
That feeling that draws me in and never lets me out.
A love that envelops my soul in true happiness.
Perhaps that’s too much to ask, but settle for anything less I shall not.
Should it be fate that brings the right one in my direction
I will be ready, with arms and mind wide open.

Me and My Mind

I stay outside of the box
Always in that state of mind
Got to represent my heart
I refuse to press rewind

Please respect my sense of pride
Gonna get out of this place
Where good people seem to hide
And the others all just pace.

I don’t want to be deceived
Cuz I’m sick of the deception
If you truly understood
It’d screw up your perception

Wake Up - It's 2011

Every day we’re faced with the reality that this world we live in is full of hate. Innocent lives are taken from us daily and not always because it was their natural time to go. Some people no longer live for the possibilities, but instead live in fear of inevitabilities. Not every person is blessed to have a home in a safe neighborhood. Your community and your surroundings can have a huge effect on how you coexist with the rest of society. We are breading our children with venomous hate and the ability to exploit the ones around them for their personal gain. No longer are children instilled with the morals and values of “yesterday”. Not everyone believes that we are all equal and some think that even though we are equal we’re not all entitled to the same things.

If you want proof just turn on your local news broadcast or log on to their website. Every day innocent people are dying in our city, our world, and a majority of the victims fall to bullet wounds and bad timing. Life isn’t respected anymore; isn’t cherished. Our greed has caused us to take for granted this thing called life that we’re blessed with. Seems to me a lot of folks walk around thinking that the earth was created just so they could come into existence and bless the world with its presence like they're the golden child or something. Out of the bazillions upon zillions of people that are already walking this earth, what makes you any different than the person sitting across from you. They all came into this world the same way. Through the love of a man and woman. Unless you think that the human species was randomly put on earth, which I don’t, its hard to explain why so many of us are living amongst each other. Human beings were meant to live in harmony with each other. If we all treated others as we’d want to be treated don’t you think we’d be somewhere completely different by now? In theory it’s the most beneficial route humans could have chosen to take.

However not every person has the ability to think for themselves and are too easily swayed by others just using them for personal gain. People get so caught up in someone elses purpose they forget that they must have their own. Too often are we followers and victims to trends. For centuries people have always depended on leaders to protect them from outside harm when in reality if we all lived in perfect harmony there would be nothing to protect yourself against. The human minds obsession with greed, gluttony, control and vanity has been killing us for centuries.

People aren’t the only ones being taken advantage of, used, or killed. We do it every day to our earth and it's environment just so we won’t have to be inconvenienced in our day to day activities. We come from an era where information is at the palm of your finger tips and still isn't appreciated. Everything has to be bigger, better, faster. In our attempt to find perfection we fail to realize perfection will never be attained. Not in a computer, not in a machine, not in a building, and certainly not in a person. The sooner one accepts the fact that perfection is only something that a much higher power obtains the easier it is to jump off their high horse and treat the others around them with respect.

Stop chasing perfection people, God made us in His image and the moment we were created we were His perfection. We chose to do it our own way and look where that’s taken us. Down a long troubled road made of heartbreak, pain, and suffering. I pray everyday for every human being, all races, colors and creeds to come to the realization that peace and harmony is in acceptance and love. It’s deep inside of all of us some just choose to stray. Stop fighting the wrong sides battle... and start fighting for yourself!

Now You'll Never...

How could I be so foolish
To think you even cared
Enough to be the one for me
Depend on to be there

Perhaps I’m too demanding
My expectations way to high
What I want cant be reality
At least not for you and I

I tried to shake the feeling
That there was something wrong
I should have trust my instincts
And I’d have known all along.

You just don’t take me seriously
And one day you’ll soon regret
That you shunned our possibilities
I’ll be the one you won’t forget.

A Dream of You & Me

When I close my eyes
I dream of what could be
Of standing there in front of you
So you could finally feel

What’s been missing in your heart
Was missing from mine too
But now we have each other
We got nothing else to loose.

We got nothing else to prove.
We’ll stand the test of time.
Always be there for each other
Every time we’ll speak our minds

I’ll never hold you back
Even though I’ll hold you near
I’ll push you when I have to
Make you overcome your fears.

Pre-Birthday Blog

As another year of my life begins I’m focusing on opportunities and better choices. There’s a lot I’d like to forget about the last 23 years of my life. However the good times have always managed to guide me safely through even the worst of times. This year I’m putting the past behind me, where it belongs. Erasing that part of my life for only those who experienced it first hand to remember.

Already in the recent days I’ve made some tough decisions as far as eliminating some social connections I deemed hazardous to my sanity. If there’s one thing I’ve learned at all this year, it’s that people are never who they say they are and rarely do people ever follow through on what they say. I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions however your way more likely to meet someone trying to use you than someone really trying to get to know you.

I know a handful of you are probably thinking, “Man I feel the same way!” At the same time everyone else is just thinking, “This is the real world… get used to it.” That’s what separates me from everyone else. The ability to understand what’s wrong but refuse to join the trend. Yeah I get it the real world is cut throat and heartless at times. I just have never been able to understand why we choose to treat each other the way we do. Everything is relative. Everything you put out some how has a reaction. Relativity. What’s so hard for people to comprehend about that.

Anyways I digress.. This year my main focuses are maintaining healthy and happy relationships with my friends and family. Remain prosperous and become more disciplined when it comes to personal finance so as to regain my independence.

Me... the problem?

Is it possible I’m the problem
The reason for what’s wrong
For why there are no answers
And have been all along.

Live Life & Make It Last

I look at the people around me
Try to see inside their minds
About the things they're contemplating
How they feel deep down inside

There are trials and tribulations
That determine your potential
Your decisions are important
Everything is circumstantial

Everyday we're faced with struggles
Each one harder than the last
With each and every step you take
live life and make it last.

Closer

His love, it gives me butterflies escaping through my mind.
Sending my mind places that I haven’t been in years.
Each and every conversation brings us one step closer.
The closer we are to reaching and understanding
The closer we are to reaching for the stars in the skies.
As for the possibilities, those are endless along with my love.
For I love with my mind, spirit, body, and soul.
A love like mind will never falter, never fail, never die.

Life & Karma

Since the beginning of of time controversy has played it’s roll. This world is full of people walking on pins and needles trying to remain politically correct so as to avoid the accusation of being prejudice or having their precious reputation damaged. I feel as that you must always keep it real, if not only for the sake of others but for the well being of your mind, body, and soul.

Karma is God's way of making things even. Even Sir Isaac Newton had his own spin on a similar concept. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The difference beauty of Karma is that unlike Newtons 3rd law of motion, you get to choose what type of reaction that results.

Life brings us through many experiences that sometimes we wish we had went with out. Some decisions you regret making and wish you never gotten involved with the ordeal to begin with. You could spend a life time consuming yourself with regret and self pity and miss all the beautiful things life has to offer right in front of you. We live in a day and age where people encourage you to judge a book by its cover and it’s net worth when in actuality our gluttony has been what’s killing us all along.

In Him...

In his eyes I'll find compassion
In his smile the sun shall shine
So his heart can burn with passion
Which in turn would ignite mine.
His love would show in everything
Each and every act of love.
As actions speak louder than words
Love stronger than any drug.

Flood of July 2010

It seems that when it rains it pours which is kind of an ironic quote because our basement flooded this weekend. All in all we got about 3 ½ feet of water in the basement. The rain started Friday night (6/23) and ended sometime in the early hours of the morning on Saturday (6/24). Daryl and my father were at a gig Friday night and Daryl ended up spending the night as they had another gig the next day out of town in Minnesota. However due to the water in the basement my father decided he wouldn’t be joining Liz and Daryl. I woke up early Saturday morning to hear that our basement had flooded out. My father asked me to take our elderly neighbor who lives across the street to a doctor’s appointment as her families were all dealing with the flood. So Maria and I went to the ophthalmologist for her follow up on her cataract surgery. We stopped at the grocery store on the way back and got some tomato sauce and puree as I assume she was making her infamous spaghetti sauce that night. After I took her home I was back out in search of razors for my father’s box cutters. The trip proved to be a success so I headed back to the house to do damage control. We had just enough water in the basement to mess everything up. The things damaged included old family photos, mementos, news paper clippings, wooden furniture, a couch that belonged to my Nani, and a bunch of other odds and ends. Dad ended up asking me to take Daryl to meet Liz at the Des Plaines Oasis on I90. That trip in normal conditions would take maybe 15 minutes at the most but ended up taking almost 2 hours just to get there. Every way we tried to go ended up being flooded out. Thankfully Grand Ave. was a clear shot although it was the only route for about a billion people trying to get to where they had to go as well. I got sick from all the stop-go action. The trip back from the Oasis ended up being a lot faster and I got home within 30 minutes. By that time my sister had returned home from work and was working on carpet and furniture removal. We finished clearing everything out around dinner time (6:30pm) and decided that was about as much as we had the energy to do. Dad, Cat and I went to dinner at Kappy’s and tried to maintain any kind of humor we could latch on to. Throughout the day I was in contact with friends and family who were also affected by the flooding. My friends Mike and Brandon who live in Bellwood got about 6 ft of water in his basement along with the additional flooding of their streets. My friend Emmanuel who stays in Berkeley also got hit in his basement although I’m not sure of the exact amount. Our neighbors (the Serio’s) were such a blessing as they kept checking to make sure we were okay and to see if we needed anything. Sunday I was able to sleep in as I didn’t fall asleep till the early morning hours because of my energy drink consumption. I ended up running to Menard’s shortly after I woke up in search of mops. I wish I had thought of that the day before as a lot of the stock for the stores was out seeing as so many people were affected by the flooding. I finally came across some decent mops at Home Depot and headed to Jewel for some bread and lunch meat for the family. When I got home I started helping with the basement some more and remembered I hadn’t ate anything since the night before. I made myself a sandwich and then started cleaning the upstairs. My father and I ended up getting into an argument and my temper got the best of me. I stormed up stairs like a child stomping around and crying. Like an idiot I kicked a hole in my wall not realizing my strength. Needless to say that didn’t go over so well with my father so I went out for a cup of coffee with my friend Brad and managed to calm down enough to come home and apologize to my father for blowing up. I should have kept my cool as I’ve known since I was a child that my father can get worked up in situations such as these. I managed to rearrange my room though and clean up which made me feel better. It’s just amazing at how bad the flooding really was. The Eisenhower express way was closed half of Saturday as the viaducts were flooded that water was higher than half the cars that were going through there. It was just absolutely treacherous this weekend. I’ll be uploading pictures to my facebook today or tomorrow which should go nicely with my Tornado pictures from June. One disaster a month it seems! God Bless everyone affected from the storm.

~*Peace, Love, & Prosperity*~

July 18th, 2010

I’m starting a new phase of my life. This phase will ensure that I am taking better care of myself both mentally, physically and emotionally. I must focus not on what others bring to the table but more so on what I have to offer. It’s a painful transition I must withstand but in the end it will have been done for the better. I’ve grown so comfortable to the lifestyle I currently exhibit and complacency can do nothing more but stunt your growth. It’s time for a better me, with a more promising tomorrow. It’s time that I start respecting myself because what I’ve over come and not beating myself up for the mistakes I’ve made. This thing called life is very precious and the time we have on this earth is limited with every breath we take. Give praise for your blessings big and small, and hold onto your faith.

Quotes for Life

July 8th 2010

For some odd reason I have this lingering feeling that I’m missing something very important. As I pray for guidance I continue to try to keep my mind clear of negativity the best I can. For the most part I feel like when I’m on my own things are care free and peaceful. I feel like when I start to incorporate friends into my life I often take on their stresses although I don’t mean to. I guess it’s just my nature. It drives me insane to see my friends being used, hurt, or not living up to their full potential. The question I have to keep asking myself is, “How much can I truly worry about everyone else, when I in fact am too distracted taking care of everyone else’s problems to acknowledge my own?” So badly do I want to maintain a love life and a social life but lately it seems as if I’m too easily distracted to juggle those things all together. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I’m messing my life up completely, but I find myself sacrificing my wants and desires so I can get my friends and family on the same page. I suppose it could be my fear of being alone that drives me to do the things that I do. Honestly I don’t know what to do. There are so many things that I have to work on within at this point. I guess it’s really just where I am at with my life that I’m frustrated with. I feel that I’m not living to my full potential. I’m still not sure how to fix that. I suppose I need to start implementing more of my ideas and start doing more things for myself as opposed to trying to do things for others all the time. It’s just hard because my heart tends to drown out anything my conscious has to say at times. My heart can drown out even the loudest of voices such as my Father. Things are getting better though don’t get me wrong. I’m not nearly depressed as I sometimes may seem it’s just that sometimes when I’m overcome with all these different feelings and I don’t know how to sort through them, I get overwhelmed and frustrated and usually appear to be having a breakdown. I suppose it’s my dysfunctional way of coping with things although currently I’m re-evaluating those coping mechanisms so as to not go crazy. I think I just have way too much time on my hands that I’m not using to do things for myself. This needs to change immediately!

This Is My Symphony

Corinthians 13: 4-7

Wake Up!

Violence and corruption are spreading through our veins.
Crime and egotistic greed contaminate our brains.
From what we see to what we hear we’re brain washed everyday.
The government and media extort us to get paid.
If only our own ignorance was not what’s kept us bound
And love instead of money was what made our world go round.
Money changes lots of things and most times for the worst
Instead of putting trust in God we rely on money first.
It’s true we need it to survive to get the things we need
To most there seems no difference between necessity and greed.
Invest your time and money on things that implement change
Instead of wasting time and space on things that are deranged.

Love

It always seems like you need something so bad until you finally attain it and realize that you want so much more. It’s even harder when human emotions are caught up in it all. I’ve always been so thirsty to fall in love but it seems as if every time I think I’m in love that I end up either getting hurt or hurting someone else. I know love isn’t ever going to be a walk in the park, but I feel like if it’s real that no matter how much doubt you had about it at the end of the day you’d truly know that it was love. In this day and age the word “love” is thrown around with little relevance to the true meaning. What is love anyways? A human emotion based off lust and co-dependency? An obsession? To be honest I don’t even know what love is anymore. Maybe some day someone will redefine the meaning of love. I guess in a way I have an idea what I’d like love to be; although to be honest I feel like to some people it may be too much to ask. It’s easy for me to give my all to a person because I’ve always been a selfless person. I’ve always put others before myself and as much as I think that it’s a positive quality I feel like it does contribute to my downfall at times. It seems as if most of the people I come across and coexist with end up extorting my kindness and using it as a weakness. It’s tainted the way I coexist with people. I’m always ready for the worst case scenario. I just wish for once I could get over my past enough to not stigmatize my present relationships. It’s important that I don’t’ let my past dictate my future, but I can’t take my past lightly as I never want to make the same mistake twice. It’s like a vicious cycle; damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I have faith that there will come a time in my life where I’ll look back at things and just laugh, maybe even thank God that I went through the things that I did. To extent I am glad that I’ve experienced as much as I have in my life time because at such a young age, I’m full of so much wisdom. I don’t always practice what I preach but I don’t think anyone could possibly practice everything they preach except God himself.

The World Today

It’s discerning that basic morals and values seem to be just as scarce as the natural resources we’ve depleted. As each day passes it’s apparent that we are in what can be interpreted as the end of days. Just recently there was a massive explosion in the Gulf of Mexico which has led to the biggest oil spill in history leaking hundreds of thousands of oil into the ocean each day. Unfortunately all efforts to cap the oil leak have failed so gallons upon gallons of oil continue to spew into the ocean daily. The year 2010 hasn’t even reached its halfway point and already we’ve had a handful of natural disasters, murders involving innocent people, and even big businesses are contributing to the chaos by continuing to pollute the atmosphere around us.
Society has been led to believe that without money we are powerless. They’ve cornered us into poverty while at the same time dangling the idea of prosperity just far enough from our reach. Deep in my heart I don’t believe it has to be this way. For as long as I can remember I’ve always encouraged people to come together and to put aside our differences with the hope that together we can reclaim our future. However I fear that if we don’t do something soon our future and our time here on this earth will may be limited.
Unfortunately years of neglect and abuse have left our environment depleted and have set us on a crash course to total annihilation. I cannot say with any certainty that any of this can be undone as even scientists our doubtful. I do know however that the time we have left shouldn’t be used to fight amongst ourselves over the petty matters and materials we're arguing over now. No one person is exactly the same and to force someone into believing certain things or living a certain way is completely impossible. If we can’t embrace people for the goodness in their hearts and not for their differences they have we'll be bound by the ignorance we entertain.
Often times I get frustrated because this whole concept isn't hard to understand; at least I don't feel it is. I could hardly believe my ears when I was watching the news the other night to hear some guy shot this 23 year old man for letting his dog pee on his lawn. This man was so absorbed in his award winning lawn that he felt the extreme need to shoot another person for an animal merely doing what they've done for hundreds of thousands of years. If it were my award winning lawn and I was that uptight about it, I'd have purchased fencing to insure I didn't have to murder someone for something their animal might do. Unfortunately for this guy, the only grass he'll see is the grass in the yard at whatever prison he's incarcerated in. I can see it now, first day in general population... "What you in for?"... "2nd Degree Murder... killed a man... his dog peed on my lawn." Yeah Good Old Bubba is going to have a ball with that one! All I know is people have officially lost their minds! I don't know which is worse at times us or them...

Ze End Of Ze World... and crap

This world is going to hell in a hand basket lately. I found it necessary to touch base on this subject again because my brain is always coming to new realizations with each event I hear about. At first I was convinced that the year 2012 would ultimately bring our earth’s demise. Although it is still possible that the end of the world could come in that year, I believe it could also be likely that we’re being led to believe that in hopes that it will scare us into stimulating the economy.
As you recall in the year 2000 there was a world wide scare called Y2K. Wikepedia explains the year 2000 (also known as Y2K) saying that it was an anticipated problem for both digital and non-digital documentation and data storage situations which resulted from the practice of abbreviating a four-digit year to two digits. Without corrective action, it was suggested that long-working systems would break down when the "...97, 98, 99, 00..." ascending numbering assumption suddenly became invalid. Companies and organizations worldwide checked, fixed, and upgraded their computer systems.
I can remember my mother going into a shopping frenzy and grabbing necessities such as bottled water, canned goods, and other nonperishable items. If the world went crazy, our family would have been prepared; at least to an extent. However, as the clock struck 12 o’clock so came January 1st, 2000 with no significant glitches occurring. I have this theory that when presented with economic crisis our government tricks us into believing that the security of our country, or in this case the security of our world, is compromised which influences us to panic and go crazy buying supplies in case an emergency scenario should occur.
Y2K wasn’t the only instance in which this kind of panic was induced upon us. During the Cold War, the fear of a nuclear holocaust was rapidly spreading throughout several parts of the world. The U.S. even went as far use Atomic Bombs against the Japanese in the cities of Nagasaki and Hiroshima during World War II in 1945. Aside from the U.S., the only other country that developed more and better nuclear weapons was the Soviet Union. Naturally this posed as a possible threat against either nation. My father often tells stories about the bomb drills they used to have in school. People were purchasing bomb shelters, emergency supplies, and other items in fear of a possible nuclear attack once again reiterating the indirect promotion of stimulating the economy.
It’s clear that there are a lot of ways to use our ignorance against us. Entertainment has become a huge influence on our society. Things that were originally intended to entertain us have become a resourceful way for the government and big businesses to influence us. Commercials influence our spending, T.V. shows and music can influence the way we interact with each other and can also influence trends amongst many other things. As I’ve said time and time again it is important that we start paying attention to what we are exposing ourselves to. For me being a high school graduate is an accomplishment, however there are a lot of things our schools don’t teach us. It is up to us to ask questions to better understand things that we may not comprehend completely.

Disappointment 101

Today I stray from my typical politically fueled blogs and focus on an issue that has been weighing on my mind. True friends are proving to be harder to acquire than I had originally anticipated; or so it seems. For a while now I’ve noticed that the only time people truly care is when it directly benefits them. Although I suppose I understand that in this day and age you have to look out for yourself, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to do so at another person’s expense. It disappoints me to know that despite the fact that I’ve been there for people during their hard times with a helping hand both mentally and at times monetarily, when it comes time for the favor to be returned (even something as simple as borrowing $20 bucks or needing a place to stay for the night) everyone has an excuse to turn their backs. (Whatever helps you sleep at night people!)

In a way I’m glad that things panned out the way they did, even though I ended up at the short end of the stick. I’m grateful to have learned a lesson from all of this. Do not give to those who cannot provide for themselves as a result of their apathetic attitudes. I am disappointed though, as it seemed at first that I had a great group of friends. Unfortunately when it came down to it my feelings and actions weren’t reciprocated. The funny thing about the whole situation is when I needed help, when I needed a place to stay, when I needed someone to talk to, no one was around, people where busy, people had other things to do. Then as soon as someone else needs something, my phones ringing off the hook and now I’m expected to stop what I’m doing and bend over backwards? Sorry but I just don’t get it.

I am sensitive and empathetic to the fact that we all have a lot going on with our lives especially in light of current events and the economy. I know it’s tough out there especially for people who weren’t as blessed as I was growing up. I just refuse to entertain that as a justification, because that justification is nothing more than a petty excuse to get away with something. You can sugar coat it all you want, but any person presented with the facts of what went down would tell me, “Felicia you’re being taken advantage of!” If it smells like a dog, barks like a dog, and acts like a dog, it’s probably a dog!

Let me make sure to say that I’m not writing this blog with the intent of putting anyone on blast which is why I’m not including any names or references to instances between those people. I’m merely venting my frustration with the situation and with the state of things today. All I can say is I tried and was disappointed. I can forgive but I can never wash away the negative feelings that tainted the relationship between myself and the parties involved.

OPEN YOUR EYES!

I’ve been looking into a lot of different things lately as its obvious how much the world is changing around us. It seems as if everyday there is something else tragic or catastrophic happening. I find it discerning that people are so quick to turn a deaf ear to things. Then it seems like the people who do speak up are made out to be nut cases, psychos and terrorists. I understand and respect the fact that the government says that they are just trying to protect us, but I feel that since the patriot act was passed a lot of the rights we’re supposed to have are compromised without most people even knowing. I feel that too many people are sucked in by things the media exposes us too. If I could tell you how many people I knew that just stayed on the internet all day, played video games incessantly, or was consumed with different TV shows you’d probably be in awe.

Please don’t misinterpret what I’m trying to say. It’s not a bad thing to enjoy these types of amenities, but we need to start being more conscientious of what we’re listening and watching. Believe it or not, there are a lot of subliminal messages, pictures, and symbols that are incorporated into things even as simple as commercials and music videos. If you’re not perceptive to these things you may not even really notice it yet be influenced unwilling by it. I plead with you to start listening to the lyrics of the artists you try to emulate or look up to and start holding them accountable for what they are saying.

If you have children start filtering what shows you let them watch on T.V. Stop using the television as a babysitter for your children. I’ve noticed with certain Disney shows where the children are always constantly making the parental figures out to be these bumbling idiots who have no control. Don’t encourage that type of behavior or suggestion. Children are very impressionable as most people already know, so it is important that you monitor the types of things your children are exposed to. It’s important that children are able to actually enjoy their childhood. Have your children play outside more instead of sitting in the house. Enroll them in after school activities, keep them on a schedule, and make sure they exercise. Idol minds are the devils work shop, so stimulate your children, be more involved and don’t let the media raise your child! Our children are the future and we should start teaching them to be more independent minded so that they don’t become tools of a society that will only use them.

My advice to the government is the following: I appreciate the fact that the United States is in its original form a “democracy” and is for the people by the people. I do not appreciate the fact that you continue to undermine the American people by bombarding us with false propaganda, subliminal messaging, and feeding us lies. If you want us to continue working with you on issues and paying you taxes, start doing what the hell it is you’re supposed to do. Stop thinking we’re so ignorant to the fact that you’re continually trying to pull the blanket over our eyes. All though it may seem as our masses for the most part or oblivious to the fact you are nothing more than extortionists, there is still a vast majority of the nation that can see through your petty lies.

Soon your money will mean nothing as its obvious your greed has completely dried out the value of you dollar bill, and although you may have more than us financially, you will never take our souls. One day we will fight back and right the wrongs you’ve created in the centuries that have passed and you’ll be the ones on the short end of the stick. Never under estimate the power of God’s will. Eventually you will be exposed for the rotten and selfish acts you have committed. Unlike you, our Revolution will be sought through without violence as we don’t have to be bully’s to make a difference. It’s time the government starts helping the people, instead of trying to dumb us down and kill us off. Don’t think we don’t know what you’re on and definitely don’t think that the ignorance you’ve encouraged all these years is going to last forever. Eventually when people are sick of turning to you in times of need, as they see you do absolutely nothing but solve problems by creating more problems, they’ll finally reject your help and start solving it their own. We as a society will start solving our issues without you. May God forgive you for the atrocities you’ve created and fueled.

Unanswered Questions

You could offer me money but what would it buy?
Could it purchase world peace; bring an end to the lies?
You could offer me power but what could I do?
Is the power you give me worth anything to you?
You could bribe me with knowledge but what would I gain?
If I knew what you knew would it drive me insane?
You could give me the world but what is the use?
When the things it contains are continually abused?
You keep promising change but when will it come?
Why do people who challenge you always get shunned?
Will your change have a condition or involve an evil twist?
And if so will I play my part or have to call it quits?

Life...

I’m confused about this thing called life.
Unsure of the life I was meant to live; afraid that my path may be lost in time.
So much corruption and deceit forced upon humanity shielding us from our divine purpose.
Children full of hate, absorbing the violence and negativity from what they’re exposed to. Have we lost complete control?
Have we lost sight of what could have been our future?
Contemplating the worth of life on earth now seems so meaningless.
How do you rekindle that passion after years of being oppressed?
Are we so self absorbed we can’t see how our own children are being impacted?
Children only emulate what they see, what their surrounded by.
So why not expose our children to an interactive world in which anything is possible with now one person or entity to dictate the right from wrong?
For once we should be able to experience life in its original form.
Not what they want us to see, not what they want us to think, not what they want us to feel.
To each person living there is a breathing, God fearing soul with free will.
You have the right to decide; the right to choose.
Do you remain passive and content, settling for complacency?
Or do you stand up and demand what you deserve?
Let no man judge you, as only God can.
Let no man control you, as God does not seek to control.
Crave guidance both spiritually and mentally as that is what we really need.
No matter how hard you try to please others, if you’re not pleasing yourself, no one can be happy around you.
Until you look deep down inside and really love yourself despite your flaws & mistakes that you made in the past, you can’t fully live.
Now is not the time for role models, now is time for family, values, love, and God. Freedom of speech has turned into the complete opposite of its original purpose.
We’re bound by the junk the media exposes us to.
The concept of truth has been distorted beyond recognition.
As time passes it seems to only get worse.
How can we let it get where it’s going?
The world is slowly spinning out of control!
What do they know that they’re hiding?
Do we really want to know?
Standing by and doing nothing makes you just as guilty.

Luke 11:9-10

My Letter To WGCI

I was listening to the radio this morning (WGCI Morning Riot) and I was unable to get through on the phone lines regarding a certain topic pertaining to white women taking all the good black men. As I absorbed what the listeners were saying, a lot of things popped in my mind regarding the topic. As much as I know that some black women (although I know it’s not every black woman) have issues with white women or other women outside the African America race dating a black man, I feel that it is completely unjustified to harbor the hatred that seems so apparent in their responses. Did we not spend a majority of the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and even the 80’s fighting for equality!? I mean let’s face it, it’s 2010, our president is black, and now more than ever would be the greatest time to throw these petty reservations out the window and come together. Women of every race need to realize that finding a good man in general can sometimes be a hard thing to come by, just as men have the same exact issues trying to find a good woman. The world as we know it isn’t the way it used to be and unfortunately there are a lot of people in this world who are self absorbed and only feel love for themselves.
The last few boyfriends that I have had all were of the African American race and luckily their families were very supportive of our relationships as after getting to know me they realized that I’m a great person and I am extremely easy to get along with. I feel that it is necessary for everyone of every race to realize that we’re all human beings and get off of the whole color thing. I realize that African American people have been through a lot when it comes to American History and I disagree with the way they were treated in the past, but until we can let go of the past, we’ll never be able to focus fully on the future ahead of us. I guess I’ll mention the fact that I am a white female, who is currently dating a black man so it only makes sense that I’m writing you on this topic. I grew up in a very mixed environment as my father was a musician who gigged in the city a lot and we were always taught that the color of our skin didn’t determine who we were or how we were supposed to act. It’s just a shame that society is still stuck on the whole race thing.
There were a few comments about how black men only date white women because they aren’t strong and are viewed as push-overs. I feel that is a very unnecessary generalization as I myself am a very strong and educated white woman. There was also a Latino woman who had also called in and stated that black women are gold diggers which is also completely unnecessary. I feel that women need to start focusing on their own problems instead of transposing their self esteem issues and problems on everyone else. You can spend a life time blaming others for your problems and never fix them or you can step up to the plate take accountability and be real! It’s time we stop pushing our problems and insecurities on everyone else because it’s pulling us apart as a nation.
I can remember the day that Obama was speaking in Grant Park like it was yesterday. For one night, there was no violence, no hatred, and no animosity between anyone. It just amazes me, and to an extent disappoints me, that as a society we made such progress and in less then a year and a half, we’ve regressed back to our old ways. I guess I just am pleading with everyone to try and realize that at the end of the day we all bleed the same color, we all have similar problems, and that together we are much more powerful than divided. If we keep letting petty things such as race get in the way of progress and peace, we’ll only hurt ourselves in the long run.

To My Best Friend

Through the ups and downs
The highs and lows
No matter what the cost
Or how heavy the blows
You stay by my side
Get me through the day
You wipe away my tears
And chase my fears away.
You’re my bestest friend
Whom I’ll always confide
You just make me so happy
So deep down inside.
Just know that I’m here
To reciprocate the love
Our friendship is timeless
And blessed from above.

United States Earthquakes!

I was looking at earthquake information for the United States and it's amazing how many quakes that are occurring that we don't necessarily know about. The information is there to access however the media/news doesn't really cover a lot of the seismic activity that occurs in the United States. Perhaps they are trying to prevent us from living in panic, however it's obvious from the data that our world is undergoing big changes each day. I'm thankful that none of these quakes have been documented in Illinois. I read that the last quake we had was in the 70's and only really affected Southern Illinois. I remember maybe a year or so back hearing on the news that we felt after shocks from some sort of quake. All I know is I don't want to die in an earth quake and I certainly don't want to experience anything similar to the events that unfurled in the movie "2012"!

thinking...

Many people would probably tell me that I over analyze things. They would probably say that I stress out about the small stuff too much and that I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. I guess I just have a low tolerance for disappointment and failure. I'm getting used to the idea that there aren't a lot of people left in the world that will genuinely care about your well being or feelings for that matter. I suppose I'm in denial; hoping that deep down inside people are righteous and good. I guess it's not so much denial because in my opinion hope isn't necessarily a bad thing. If I loose hope I loose everything my persona emits.
I feel as if sometimes I'm in search of something that doesn't exist. I don't think that my expectations are unreasonable at all however it seems as if in this day and age what I ask for is just too much for people. I've had my heart broken time and time again and to be honest I'm used to people coming in and out of my life. I'm used to people treating my heart like a revolving door. I guess I should just slow down and re-evaluate my state of mind as I know I've spent a majority of my past trying to repair everyone else’s problems; all the while subconsciously under he impression that what I was doing was making up for the stupid things that I've did before.
My whole life I’ve tried to live up to other peoples expectations not really ever taking the time to truly get to know myself. When someone asks me what I want to do, my answer is always, “I don’t know what do you want to do?” I’ve become so complacent with living my life according to others that I’ve lost myself.

Come Together

I can appreciate and commend that human beings come times of disaster and war and I feel it is good that when it comes down to it people are able to look past their predispositions and prejudice. That being said, I feel it is imperative that we as human beings make it priority to adopt that ability as permanent mind set. A lot of the issues that are apparent in the world today are fueled by selfishness and greed. I am well aware that it would be impossible for everyone to agree on everything but I feel that the ability and willingness to compromise is vital when it comes to coexisting with others. In order for any type of relationship to function normally, whether it is personal or business, there is a certain amount of understanding and compassion that makes things functional. Being stubborn and ignorant never solved anything and it certainly will prevent you from moving forward in life. It seems as if understanding and compassion are qualities in people that are scarce unless proven beneficial to the person debating to display those qualities. If people would unconditionally care for people with pure intentions as opposed to ulterior motives, I feel we would be able to make some progress as a species. It’s time we use are minds not to complicate things and not for personal gain; but to better the world in which we live in for time is not promised and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed by today.

Earthquake Hits Haiti

As most of you know a 7-magnitude earthquake hit Haiti the other day. This is the first earthquake that has hit there in almost 200 years! The Red Cross spokesman Paul Conneally has stated that an estimated 3 million people may have been affected by the quake and that it would take a day or two for a detailed report of the damage. It has been reported that people have been pulling bodies from collapsed homes and covering them with sheets along the roads while passerby’s try to identify the bodies. Tens of thousands of people have lost their homes and many were killed in collapsed buildings. Hospitals of course are unable to handle every victim due to the severity of the quakes. Below you’ll find a map with a time line of the quakes since 1900. In these times of devastation it is important that we come together as humanity. Please pray for the people of Haiti as they need our prayers, help, and generousity in this time of devestation.

It is said that the President Obama has promised aid to Haiti. White house officials said Obama had asked aides to make sure U.S. personnel at the embassy were safe. There are fewer than 20 U.S. military personell in Haiti. Officials said Obama told them to start preparing in case humanitarian assistance as needed. USAID said it was sending a disaster assistance response team. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that the U.S. was gathering information about the quakes impact and that the U.S. has offered its full assistance both civilian and military to Haiti.

Here are some random facts about Haiti:

-Haiti is the poorest country in the America’s with an annual per-capita income of $560. It ranks 146th out of 177 countries on the UNDP Human Development Index.

-Haiti’s infrastructure is close to total collapse and severe deforestation has left only 2 percent forest cover.

-After decades of dictatorship, former Roman Catholic priest Jean-Bertrand Aristide became Haiti’s first freely elected leader in 1990. He was ousted by a military coup in 1991 but reinstated with U.S. backing. He was forced out of the country and into exile in 2004 by a rebellion of gangs and former soldiers.

-Haiti has been led by President Rene Preval since May 2006 when the country returned to its constitutional rule.
(graphics courtesy of MSN)

January 5th, 2009

I was slow getting up this morning. I woke up to hear Roxy hacking and gagging like she was going to vomit so I let her out. Evidently I didn’t do that fast enough as when I came back upstairs to lie down for a while longer, my foot ended up skimming a puddle of mucus which totally was disgusting. I spent a majority of last night doing laundry and cleaning up my room. It looks a lot better than it did but of course I still have a bunch of laundry left to finish. I’ll attempt to finish the rest of it tonight. I’ve decided that I’m going to start writing at least once a day. I notice when I do write that I seem to have more clarity when it comes to certain situations.

Work is pretty busy today but of course it’s nothing that I can’t handle. Ever since I’ve adopted a new attitude towards work I’ve been feeling a lot less anxious. I’ve realized that the only time I should be consumed with my job should be during the 8 hours I’m punched in. Once I get home I have to forget about it if I want to be able to relax. I have a lot more freedom at work now as well because I’ve been there so long and so much that I’m pretty much in charge when it comes to a majority of the things that I do. I do love my job because I’m good at it and I’m needed which in this day and age is a blessing within itself.

My father’s birthday is coming up and I’m a little upset that I spent as much money as I did this weekend because I really wanted to get him something special. I think I’m going to lie and tell him that I ordered it and it’s not going to get here until next week because I don’t want him to think that he’s not important. Christmas kind of broke my pocket book anyways so I’m sure he’d understand but I still don’t feel right saying sorry I’m broke because I partied on New Years. I think I’m going to make him something though for the time being like maybe a collage or something. Plus he like’s simple things like that anyways.

New Years Resolutions and Thoughts

With 2010 officially here I have a lot of self evaluation to do. It’s becoming more and more apparent that I really need to go back to school and gain some direction in my life while I still have time. I feel in order to do that though I need focused people in my life to support me otherwise I’ll probably continue to make excuses until it’s too late and that is definitely not where my intentions lye. As I grow older I realize now that the only thing I really desire in life is happiness. I want to be able to laugh and more importantly have a reason to smile. So since it is the start of a New Year I’ve made myself a list of resolutions to accomplish this year.

New Years Resolutions

1.) Loose 40-50 lbs and exercise daily.
2.) Create a game plan to go back to school.
3.) Maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
4.) Start and maintain a savings account.
5.) Move into my own apartment.
6.) Get a second job.
7.) Quit Smoking.
8.) Look good and feel good!

Needless to say I have a lot of things to accomplish this year but thankfully they are all pretty basic things to do if I stay committed enough to them. I’m determined to make this year a transitioning year from the beginning and promise myself that I will remain focused and resilient in my ways. Hopefully 2010 is a prosperous and beneficial year that holds many blessings for everyone.

Spillin

I just sit in my bed spillin soul onto the screen
Keep my mind gravitating got me focused on the green.
Cuz with money comes the power and with power comes a toll.
Although power is our enemy and violates our souls.
Everybody want a piece of it; the glory and the fame
And nobody seems to notice that this life is just a game.
From the people that you know to the people that you screw
Each and every single one of them will try to judge you
Dont let them get inside your head or get up in your grill
Just maintain your motiviation and please always keep it'real

2009

Christmas was a blessing this year. As much as I regret spending as much money as I did, I still feel like it was worth every penny to see everyones smile this holiday season. As year 2010 approaches I look back on 2009 and am amazed at how much I've slowed down and focus. Although I'm not exactly where I want to be, I feel like this year was an eye opener for me. It made me realize that if I don't pick progressive things to focus on, that I'll end up no where sooner with no place to go. I thank God for the people that have opened my eyes to better ways and opened the doors to better blessings. I realize now that nothing lasts forever if you don't want it. Only you have the ability to control your direction. If you remain a sitting duck letting everything pass you by while you contemplate why things are the way they are instead of being proactive and realize that life is one set of reactions one after another. One thing that happens to you in life leads to a new way of living. Learning from our mistakes. Moving forward onto bigger and better things. Don't sit still while the rest of the world passes you by, because some day it will all cease to exist, maybe for you or maybe for all of us. So make it what you will and enjoy every moment you have on this earth!

Phone Call Etiquette 101

Recently I gave an old friend from Charlotte, NC my phone number so we could catch up and chat. Shortly after giving him my phone number he called me but I was busy getting ready for the next day and wasn’t in my room to hear my phone ring. I was feeling really tired so I turned my phone on silent and went to bed planning to call him back the next day. When I woke up that morning I saw that he had called me about 10 more times in 20 minute intervals throughout the night. This struck me as really odd and a bit creepy to be 100% real with you. The next day I had decided that I wasn’t going to call him back because he indeed seemed way too desperate to speak with me. He called about 11-12 times that night and had never left a message and if you don’t leave a message chances are it’s not an emergency. If it’s not an emergency there is no reason to call me incessantly all day and night when I don’t pick up the phone. I have a huge pet peeve and maybe it’s juvenile but I don’t really care. If you call me non-stop and don’t leave a message I won’t call you back. If you call me once and don’t leave a message I won’t call you back because in my mind, if you don’t leave a message you probably don’t have anything productive to speak about. To be honest half the time I don’t even recognize the numbers that call my phone because I lost my old phone with my entire contact list about 4 months ago. Focusing attention back onto my story, I was extremely busy Sunday evening because I was going to my Mom’s house with my sister for our belated Thanksgiving dinner. This man must have seriously called 30 times that day and I couldn’t be happier that I never indeed answered the phone. One, dude you’re like 500 miles away and the chances that I’d make an effort to see you next time I was in North Carolina is slim to none. Now that you’ve made it apparent you have stalker like qualities mixed with some sort of obsession disorder you chances of ever seeing me again don’t even exist. Two, if I don’t answer the phone leave a message and when I want to talk to you I’ll call you back. It was nothing personal at first, I just didn’t have time to sit and chat on the phone! Now that you’ve proven yourself psychotic you will never hear my voice at the end of the phone nor see me in the flesh ever again! Three, when you finally do leave a message don’t talk in the lowest possible voice so that no one can hear what you’re saying because I didn’t understand a word you said and you totally sounded like a perverted child molester. I’m sorry to sound harsh, but shit like that really irritates me. I can’t wait until I can finally get a new phone number.

Wednesday December 2nd, 2009: Humans & Politics

Today is Wednesday; Hump Day! I can’t help but sit here and contemplate over everything that’s been going on lately. I watched President Obama’s address to the public regarding the War in Iraq. I’m relieved to hear that they are pulling all of the troops out of Iraq, but I’m terrified that they’re sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. It’s crazy because I had always been under the impression Iraq was this dangerous war zone when in actuality most of the real violence was more prominent in Afghanistan. There is a lot of speculation that Afghanistan is our modern day Vietnam and to be honest my opinions don’t really debunk that at all. Everyone has always known me as a liberal minded hippy and I can’t really argue with them there. If I had it my way, I’d focus more so on our domestic issues as opposed to what others in the world are messing up. I do realize however, that the hostility of the countries we’re at war with could affect our way of living if we don’t enforce some sort of military presence to show that we mean business. Do I think that we should be going to war in Afghanistan? I don’t think any country wants to be at war but unfortunately we live in a day and age where violence and hate is spreading. As human beings we are stubborn and always have to be right, especially when it comes to religion and politics. In my opinion people are too disgruntled over things in which they cannot control which ends up becoming an obsession that spills over to the people surrounding them. Overall, we’re just selfish people no matter what country, race, or religion you derive from. The only thing I can continue to do is pray. It’s very rare that you will persuade or convince someone who thinks that they are right all of the time that there is even a chance that they could be wrong. Until we come together as human beings, we’ll always be running in circles playing capture the flag. Politics are great in theory as well as government, but when you have corrupt and selfish people in charge it kind of defeats it's purpose in my opinion.

Frustration

I feel like I’m running in circles
But at the same time I’m staying in place
I need some new exploration
To get out of the same old place.
I continue to work my hardest
With the desire to move up in ranks
But the hard work isn’t rewarded
And in stead I’m just left with complaints
Someday maybe it will be better
And maybe one day they’ll come through.
But I’m sick of just standing here waiting
And wishing for something to do.

Victim (Work in Progress)

Thinking about the past few years is almost like a blur. So much shit happened in such a short period of time that I had to fall back. A lot of my friends won't understand it. Hell I'm sure some of them don't even consider themselves friends anymore and for that I'm truly apologetic. For a while I lost myself but to be honest, holding myself accountable for the mistakes I made wouldn't solve anything. I'm a victim of deciept; a victim of human greed. My good nature and kindness merely taken advantage of the people I put myself in contact with. I've always craved a sense of belonging and I guess I was in search of a reason to love myself and a way reclaim my confidence again. At a young age I was a victim of teenage love gone wrong. Regreting it would be foolish as I honestly don't think I would be the person I am today or the person I'm going to be in the future without experiencing the things I've been through. Do I think it was neccessary or deserved? No. Am I stronger because of it? Yes.



I always desired to live in the fast lane, but my sheltered childhood and up bringing made it close to impossible. As a teenager I always resented my lack of indpendence, but I also lacked the basic understanding of my parents love. Naturally however, I found the need to rebel and break the rules. I found myself attracted to the typical bad boy persona not realizing what I could get myself into. My niavety always managed to get me into trouble in spite of my efforts to prove everyone wrong. I've always liked a challenge and sometimes I'd let that spill into my romantic relationships. I spent the majority of my high school years with one boy. He was the kid everyone thought was off. The kid who was cool but he always made you wonder how long it was going to be before he snapped. I spent my years with him on the tip of my toes ready for something to happen and sooner than later it did. As we were introduced to recreational activities that were anything but acceptable to our parents let alone society at our age, I realized that I had definately accessed the situation wrong. I've never been the kind of person to turn my back on someone who I've invested time and feelings in so I stuck around telling myself that love would see me through and fix everything. When recreational use transitioned to hard core habits for him, I started to see that I was in way over my head. Being immature my pride held in any cry for help and so I stuck it out. As he realized he had a problem and his family was noticing things, he blamed me. He was convinced that I was the one out to get him. It slowly matured into an obsession and when he finally lost control he took it out on me.



I remember the night before it happened. I was babysitting his nephews and feeling tired from all the running around. As the clock struck 11:15 the phone rang and it was him on the line. As soon as I picked up the phone I had sensed something was wrong but I was stuck in Streamwood miles from Elmhurst and I had to stay with the kids. I couldn't really understand he was saying but managed to calm him down enough to where he hung the phone up and fall asleep. The next morning I managed to wake up and immediately I found myself driving to his house. The day felt exactly how I felt. I always found that ironic. It was pouring rain and the clouds were gray. They do say when it rains it pours, but they never said anything about being struck by lightening.



Waking him up was hard, I assumed this was because of whatever drugs he did the night before. I promised myself not to get mad at him because he had a serious problem and he needed help. My anger wouldn't help him and it sure as hell wouldn't help my situation. I woke him up and bribed him with breakfast and took myself to the living room to watch cartoons and wait while he got ready. To my surprise I didn't sit long as he was standing over me with his winter coat on muttering something that sounded angry and mumbled. At that point I had asked him what was wrong and he expressed that he didn't want to go out for breakfast and told me that he was mad I woke him up. I wasn't about to force him to do something he didn't want to and I sure wasn't about it take someone ungrateful out for a breakfast they didn't deserve so I told him to just go back to bed. Unfortunately since he was up he explained that there was no way he was going back to sleep and it was all my fault. We sat in awkward silence for a few moments before he spoke up and accused me of having a threesome with his brother and friend. I couldn't help but laugh because at that point, he was the only man I had ever been with and my self confidence was at an all time low because the weight I gained from birth control and depression. I guess he saw this as a slap in the face because it was only a matter of seconds before he managed to have me on my back on the couch. With his hand against my throught he snarled in my face that I was trying to kill him from the inside out, poluting his mind with telepathic messages. Nothing I could say would convince him otherwise and so I began to pray. I think part of me really thought that I was going to die that day. To some extent I think I almost expected it.



He sat on my chest and I couldn't breath. Between my chest being crushed and the tears coming out of my eyes I couldn't breath. I managed to grasp onto the lanyard that held my keys and made a half ass attempt to stab him with the sharpest key I could find but the lack of oxygen to my brain made it next to impossible to utitlize my reflexes. It managed to distract him long enough to grab my keys and run outside to my car to move it in the back where no one would see it. Instinct told me to run and so I bolted for the back door into the pouring rain. I made it to the fence and started to climb over only to twist my ankle and fall. Flip flops definately prevented a speedy get away. I speed limped back to the door where he spotted me as he was getting out of the car. At that point it's like everything started to go into slow motion. I ran to the neighbors house and started banging on the door and screaming hoping someone would hear me but got no answer. As he made his way toward me I panicked and started messing with the door handle only to discover that the door was unlocked. I immediately ran into their house hoping someone would hear me but when I received no answer I ran out the patio door and grabbed a ceramic pot. All of the sudden it felt like my ankle was on fire and I collapsed. I willed myself to get up but at this point it was too late he caught up with me. I threw the pot at him only to miss.



As I tried to get away screaming for help he grabbed my by the roots of my hair and yanked me with him all the way back into the house and threw me on the couch. I was crying so hard now I couldn't breath and out of no where he started hitting me with his belt. Each hit stronger than the last I cried in agony wondering how anyone could do this to someone they loved. He grabbed me by the hair again and told me that hopefully I've learned my lesson and commanded me to go take a shower. I refused and so he preceded to drag me up the stairs and throw me in the bathroom. I got myself up and ran full speed at him hoping maybe I'd push him down the stairs. I rushed past him as he lost his balance but he got a hold of me and laid punch after punch into my skull. As his last punch hit the room started spinning. I remember seeing the tile floor of the bathroom come into sight and slamming into it like a brick wall and then it went black.



I'm still not sure at this point how long I was blacked out. I remember hearing thuds on the front door like someone was knocking down and almost immediately there after I heard sirens and police screaming outside. I struggled to get up and clumsily made my way to the noise at the front door only to fall into the arms of a police officer. From there I faded in and out flashes of police and paremedics wirring around like a tilt-a-whirl. They say I'm lucky to be alive and to come out of a beating like that with only a minor concussion, small abrassions and a few contusions. I don't think luck had anything to do with it. If I was lucky I would have won the lottery and my prince charming would have been waiting at the alter for me. I prefer to say that I'm blessed by God to be on this earth.



For months I couldn't think about anything but what happened. I hid myself away from everyone and stayed with my mother in Downers Grove. Many nights I cried myself to sleep because I felt that I had failed myself and for a while I had felt like I had failed him.

VH1 Sucks!

A millionaire reality TV contestant who is on the run from American police has been charged with the gruesome murder of his model ex-wife.
Ryan Jenkins, 32, who starred in the series Megan Wants a Millionaire, about a woman seeking to land a wealthy bachelor, is thought to have fled to his native Canada after the body of Jasmine Fiore was discovered stuffed in a suitcase in a California rubbish bin last weekend.
Ms Fiore, a former swimsuit model, married Mr Jenkins in a “quickie” Las Vegas ceremony this year.
The couple booked into a San Diego hotel last Thursday and Mr Jenkins checked out the next morning. Ms Fiore was not seen again until her body was found without teeth or fingers, presumably to impede any identification.
Her friends and family made a tearful appeal at a press conference for any information leading to Mr Jenkins’s arrest.
“This message goes out to the family, his mother and father and to the friends that are helping him try to leave this country. Ryan Jenkins is an animal, what he has done to Jasmine is unspeakable and it’s just not right and I’d appreciate your help,” said Robert Hasman, a former boyfriend of Ms Fiore.
Mr Jenkins, who is thought to be armed, drove 1,000 miles to Washington State and took a boat to a peninsula on the border, where he walked into Canadian territory. A Canadian police official said that ground, air and dog units are involved in the search for him.
A car and empty boat trailer belonging to Mr Jenkins were found at a marina in the remote northwest Washington town of Blaine.
If Mr Jenkins is arrested in Canada, California can request that he be extradited to the US, but only with reassurances from authorities that he would not face the death penalty.
After filming for Megan Wants a Millionaire finished in early March, Mr Jenkins met Ms Fiore in a Las Vegas casino and the two got married on March 18.
But in May they split because he was jealous of her ex-boyfriends and the model had the marriage annulled.
Mr Jenkins then went to Mexico to do another reality TV show, but struggled to get Ms Fiore back when he returned.
“He convinced her during that month that he was really the guy for her,” said Ms Fiore's mother, Lisa Lepore. “He wrote poems and stories, and prayed, and [claimed he] had this huge spiritual awakening.”
VH1 said that it has postponed any future airings of the programme, and 51 Minds, the show’s production company, said in a statement that Jenkins would never have been accepted for its show if the company had known of his criminal history.

I found this article online because MSN had it as one of their headlining stories. I've never cared much for Megan because she's everything in a woman that I can't stand. I don't mean to be a hater but she's spoiled and has never done an ounce of hard work in her life. Her reality show "Meghan wants a Millionare" implies her gold digging aspirations. However, I don't believe no matter how much I can't stand her, that it was in her best interest on VH1's behalf to cast a contestant with a criminal background. This is just another instance where one human beings life is a joke and a paycheck for VH1. Had they cared about her well being they would have been more thorough with conducting background checks and investigations before having him stay in a house full of other people. What a PR nightmare for VH1! Hopefully they'll take this as a lesson learned and be more careful when casting people instead of just letting anyone get on TV for shock value. The trash you see on TV is sending millions of morally wrong messages to society and although we as Americans have the freedom to choose what we watch, it still doesn't make airing trash like that right! I don't believe this man has a model wife and the reason he killed her was because his jealously tainted his heart and mind. I'm sorry jealousy can trigger it but killing someone in the manner he did is premeditated and in my honest opinion he's probably always been a psycho. He probably tortured animals as a child for all we know. People with no regard for another beings life (whether human or any other species) has no regards for his own and therefore shouldn't be allowed to walk the streets. Congratulations to the Scum of the earth, for you truly cover more land than water.

Faith

Sometimes things happen in life that we don’t understand. We sit there perplexed trying to dissect every aspect of what went wrong. I’m starting to realize that things don’t always make sense for reasons. If you realize that you made a mistake, merely learn from it and don’t beat yourself up. It’s the mistakes we make in life that help us move forward. Without mistakes we would never grow up or obtain knowledge. It’s our faults that make unique and our mistakes that make us who we are today. We may not always be proud of the things we’ve done, but we must remember God is Love and God is Forgiveness and no matter how bad it seems, as long as you genuinely repent and acknowledge the Lord as your Savior you will be saved. When you look at it that way it’s a lot easier to move forward and forgive yourself. I used to beat myself up over things I couldn’t control. I used to dwell on things that I couldn’t change. I was captivated by negativity I wasn’t obligated to harbor. When I found God, my life changed and although I still struggle day to day in strengthening my Faith, at the end of the day I know that no matter what happens God will take care of me. It’s the devil that gives us doubt and it’s the devil that tries to deter us from the eternal piece that we find in God constantly testing our faith. Don’t give the devil power over you and don’t fall prisoner to the negativity. Remember even in darkness there is light. Let God direct you on the right path and have faith that all will work out.

Praise be to God!

I believe if everyone follows this scripture that the world would be a better place. Think about it with me for a second. We always are hesitant in doing good for others sometimes because we fear we won't get anything in return, sometimes in fear that we'll be taken advantage of, and sometimes just out of pure selfishness. Let us not be weary in doing good, FOR WE WILL REAP IN DUE SEASON, if we don't give up. Don't concern yourself with what you will get from doing good, have faith that you will be rewarded when you are supposed to! Have faith in the Lord and he will take care of your every need!

For My Dog Ginger!

The love of a pet can get us through even the toughest of times. The love of my dog Ginger got me through everything. She was there when I had my first boyfriend and she was there for the break up. She was there for the good times and there for the bad times. When I felt like I was loosing my mind and had no one to talk to she’d be there to lick me and curl up right at my side. She may not have been perfect but she was the perfect dog for someone like me. When my parents got divorced she was right there by my side getting me through it. Every late night my parents would stay up fighting she’d come to my room and keep me company. She wasn’t just a dog she was my best friend. After my mom left and my sister moved out, she stayed right by my side. I remember one time I snuck her down stairs in the basement one hot summer night and let her sleep with me even though Dad would have flipped if he new she was on the carpet. She just looked at me with that big grin of hers thankful that I let her be close to me. They say a dog is a man’s best friend, but she was more than a best friend to me. She was my companion, my friend, my family, and my confidant. She was the only one who I could tell everything to and I know she’d never utter a word. Even if she wanted to scream it to the world! I’ll miss you Ginger and you were the best dog!! Through everything you stuck by me no matter how hormonal or cranky I ever acted towards you. You stuck by my side and you stuck by my dad’s side. You were everything to us and you always will be… no matter what; always and forever!

Racism

A patient where I work today said the most vile and ignorant thing this morning. I’m sitting here doing my morning duties and he starts speaking to me from up the stairs. I was told I reminded him so much of his daughter. We started speaking and he mentioned how this Hispanic guy that comes to visit him used to date his daughter. I mentioned how nice that was and I told him I had met her current boyfriend that seemed like very nice guy. He went on to say “I can’t keep track of her boyfriends she’s had so many of them.” I responded by saying, “Us women can go through that dating phase.” He then brought up the fact the he was black and went on to say, “I’m from the old school and the old school thinks that is a down grade.” At this point I was shocked that I was hearing such ignorance although it didn’t surprise me. I merely responded with a calm and collected answer of, “Well we’re all human beings now aren’t we?” After that I didn’t utter a word. How truly ignorant this man must be.
What makes a Hispanic guy different than an African American guy first off? Then, what makes him so accepting of Hispanic and so opposed to an African Americans? You can tell his racism is directed to one group of people. I mean I could understand if he was Hispanic and didn’t like his daughter dating outside of that race (even though that wouldn’t be right either but at least it’d make more sense), but he’s Caucasian. I believe its people like him in this world that fuel this unrealistic hatred and spread it to others. Thank God his own daughter still continues to pursue what she feels is right and is dating the man anyways. I’m just so fed up with society and their double standards. I’m sick of prejudice and racist people.
I feel like people such as myself who can acknowledge that race is only related to where you come from and has nothing to do with the kind of person you are slowly but surely are a dying breed of people. I’ve always been a peaceful person when it comes to everything. I’ve been raised to respect people regardless of what they look like or where they come from and respect that everyone has their own different opinions and beliefs. So why other parents can’t instill those same morals and values in their children I have no idea. I think it’s selfish of parents to paralyze their children with such hatred because it’s only that hatred that will prevent them from greatness. No one ever excelled in life because of hate and greed. Eventually karma comes around and balances out what you deserve in life from what you have.
I believe though if you truly fight the good fight it won’t always be easy to get where you want to be in life, but when you get there you’ll know you got it because you deserved it. It’s the devil that makes the right way hard, but if you stay focused and have a strong faith you can get past the obstacles he throws your way. Life is really all about self discovery. God made it so that we had other people like us on this earth to help us learn and help us move forward and stay strong in our faith. We are far more powerful if we work together than against each other. Not every person you are going to meet will realize this and some people won’t be productive to who you are so you have to have good judgment in character.
It’s people whose faiths are compromised that are tools of the devil without knowing it sometime. They can severely misguide you from the right path. So stay focused, be patient and diligent in your faith and in the end you will be rewarded. Don’t always look to the most convenient solution because it’s sometimes cutting corners that get us in trouble. Even when it seems like hope is gone, remember even in darkness there is light.

$36,000 on Nails?!

Okay so I didn't want to have to do it to Beyonce, but she's officially left me no choice. I read an online article today titled, "Beyonce spends $36,000 dollard on Manicures". Let me start off by saying, Beyonce is an incredible artist and that her accomplishments are vast and plenty. I have nothing but the upmost respect for her as a human being and an artist. However, I was disappointed to hear of the nominal amount she paid for a crappy pair of nails; diamond encrusted nails with snakes with rubies for the eyes. The reason they are saying she got these are for some music video. Who even pays attention to someone's nails on a music video. Especially hers. I'm more disctracted by her beauty and her face and body. I've commented on the article wear I found this out with the simple reply of:

"36,000? eesh… i’d much rather spend that money on something less vein… but americans are compulsive consumers… anything to get peoples attention and impress people. It’s kind of sad to me… there are children out here on the streets starving and people out on the streets with no place to go… and some people are spending 36000 on a stupid ass manicure… that doesn’t even last forever and probably didn’t stay on her nails that long to begin with… i love beyonce… and would never diss the woman she’s a diva best believe her… but that is just a little too extreme for me… no matter who gets it… we need to start making better choices and changing this country for the better instead of falling in to fads and trends that don’t last forever…"

One girl replied with this. Reading comprehension among people my age is obviously not valued and obviously she's too lazy to spell:

"Don’t be a hter bytches because you can’t do it likte her.If I had I’d do it too and who cares about tha effin’ attention,not I.Thats jus like sayin you don’t deserve something like that even though you got tha funds.Hell naw,anybody who works hard and loves what she does,deserves it.And for some1 who made 86mill last yr,she not hurtin for shyt and ya betta belive its more comin where that came from.Tha gyrl makes money in her sleep……so hate on something worth hatin on because that could jus as well be you or me,makin money in our sleep.I’m not complainin’,where they do that at?$$$C.R.E.A.M$$$"

So I came back with this:

"i wasn't hating on beyonce merely making a point… and for all those who are saying we’re not in a recession i guess i can agree… the government just pays these people shit loads of money because they keep us consuming… see outside the box people… the only reason they are making the money is because they are distracting us from what is really going on in this world… agree with me or don’t i don’t care… i was never hating on beyonce… it aint trickin if you got it right. but it still doesn’t make it right. Why should normal every day people who do want to work, and i’m not talking about the scum of the earth that live off welfare because they’re lazy, to not find jobs because they’re outsourced, or taken by cheap labor by people who aren’t legal in this country (race set aside because it’s not just a race issue merely and immigration issue) read and stop accusing people of hating when in actuality we’re trying to help society by speaking against the norm. I reiterate… we are NOT hating… just making a point.. in this day and age children think it’s acceptable to spend and spoil themselves not understanding all the hard work that goes into getting what Beyonce has. We need to teach our children responsible spending and proper investing so everyone… not just a selected group of people can move forward! We need to be better Role Models is all i’m saying… other than that Beyonce is awesome woman that deserves everything she works for. I’m just trying to look forward as opposed to staying stationary and dealing with the way things are… its time to clean up our mess!"

Up in Smoke

The Way We Used To Be

I wish we could go back in time.
To when our love felt right
Before the pain and heart ache
Created from our fight.
I wish that you were faithful
And never strayed away.
The pieces of my broken heart
Will never heal the same.
I tried to give you chances
To fix the things you’ve broke
The flames that made our passion burn
Are now just clouds of smoke.

Random Thought

We go through things and make mistakes not to inconvenience ourselves, but to learn. Perfection is boredom in my opinion. How are you ever supposed to move forward and value what you accomplish if you don't fuck up every now and then?

It seems as if people are too afraid to make mistakes to live anymore. We'd rather sit at home and be distracted my mindless media. We're uniformed and compulsive consumers buying into trends.

Thank You For Your Friendship

If only I could put to words
The way I really feel.
I’d thank you for the time you’ve spent
And always being real.
I know sometimes I’m different
And drive you up the wall.
But some how you’ve still managed
To help me through it all.
Our friendship’s so important
It means the so much to me.
If everyone had friends like you.

What a wonderful world it’d be

Ignorance Is No Excuse!

Violence, Negativity, Ignorance
Overflowing our communities
Spreading like an epidemic
Contaminating the lives of millions
Will we forever be oppressed by ignorance?
Or will we wake to reality
Seeing the truth beneath the lies
We need to exorcize this demon
From the depths of our complex minds
Reclaim what is rightfully ours
And make this world a better place
If not for us but the generations to come
Before there is no turning back

Mind Vs. Heart

My heart is indecisive
My mind cluttered with thoughts.
In my gaze resides confliction.
Every word I speak with doubt.
In my heart I have the answer
Yet my mind just contradicts
Complicating my simplicity
Ever single chance it gets.
My hearts one opposition
Exists inside my head.
Will it stops before it gets too late
Before I end up dead.

You and I

When I look into your eyes I see what could be.
Serenity found within your gaze.
Never knowing for certain what will become of you and I
Yet convinced our paths were destined to cross.
My whole life I’ve spent searching high and low
For a love that was truly qualified to reciprocate.
All those lonely nights I stayed up wondering
If the man of my dreams would deliver me from solitude
We met by chance and parted ways
Not a word between us spoken.
Although for a brief moment our eyes met
Was it by fate our worlds collided?
Only in the days and weeks to come
Can I determine where your intentions lye.
But I can only pray the truth is beneficial.
Constructive to both our futures
With love anything is possible
The possibilities endless
So let’s take this one day at a time
And see where this thing called love will take us.

Conflicted

Conflicted inside about the way that life should be
Never quite sure where I’m going
Indecisive about the things I cannot control
Even more so about the things beyond them
Deep down I know I’ll find peace
But in the meantime I remain anxious
Anticipating the future that has yet to come
Whether I’m ready or not still is not determined
Will my present comply with my future?
Or will I forever comply with my past?

Torn

Torn about things I cannot change.
Slowly spiraling out of control.
Not sure what the new day brings.
Hoping it's not the downfall of my existance.
Regreting my yesterday and dreading tomorrow.
Can I save myself from this vicious cycle
Or will it swallow me up whole

Leaders in Change

Life is anything but easy and I acknowledge and accept that. I know that love hurts and isn't always what we bargained for. I know that people in this day are lost without a cause. Knowing all this doesn't mean that I have to follow a trend. I refuse to sit by and let other peoples mistakes dictate my future. I often sit and wonder why the good people of America as well as the people of the world have to pay for the bad decisions that others have made. It saddens me to have to hear about a different tragedy every single day. The madness is wearing on my psyche and I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's time the good people on this earth take a stand for what is right and all that is good. I feel its a shame that people who share my opinions don't stand up for themselves more. Instead because they are in constant fear of rejection, they hide their heads in the ground like ostriches hoping maybe someone else will make it go away. We need to stop waiting for others to make a change; we need to stop being followers. It's time to take a stand a become leaders in change. The world will never change if we continue in the direction we're going. I am well aware of the many changes that have occurred in the recent months including our first ever African American President. I myself voted for Barack Obama and commend what he stands for. However I believe that too many people are putting all of their desires and expectations on him. He may be the President of America however a leader is only as good as the people that follow him. In the recent months that have passed America has had a huge out break in violent crimes and in my opinion sheer ignorance. I find it ironic that one day we're all in Grant Park holding hands and coexisting and not even 6 months after the election and swearing in of our new president we are back to the ignorance that has kept humanity bound in the first place. Are we to forever fall victim to this vicious cycle or will we as human beings finally come to the realization that together we are much more powerful than when we are divided? I hope we figure it out before it is indeed too late!