I Wish!

I wish that things were different
I wish they were the same
As the way when I was younger
When life was just a game
I’m so sick of disappointment
Even sicker from the lies
I’m so caught up in the drama
And I guess it’s no surprise
When surrounded by the darkness
And enthralled by all the pain
It’s so hard to see a blessing
And it all just looks the same
As the things that truly hurt you
Are the things you keep inside
Hoping never to expose them
In exchange you really hide.
From the people that surround you
And the people you let in
The seclusion is a nightmare
Please don’t let that all begin.
Just remember we’re all different
Ain’t a two of us the same.
It’s not fair to every human
To transpose your every blame.

Something my Grandma Sent Me... author Unknown

You Are Who You Are, Not What You DoBecoming Your Wrong Decisions
Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life. We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. As a result it is easy to identify so strongly with a decision that has resulted in unexpected negative consequences that we actually become that "wrong" decision. The disappointment and shame we feel when we make what we perceive as a mistake grows until it becomes a dominant part of our identities. We rationalize our "poor" decisions by labeling ourselves incompetent decision-makers. However, your true identity cannot be defined by your choices. Your essence—what makes you a unique entity—exists independently of your decision-making process. There are no true right or wrong decisions. All decisions contribute to your development and are an integral part of your evolving existence yet they are still separate from the self. A decision that does not result in its intended outcome is in no way an illustration of character. Still, it can have dire effects on our ability to trust ourselves and our self-esteem. You can avoid becoming your decisions by affirming that a "bad decision" was just an experience, and next time you can choose differently. Try to avoid lingering in the past and mulling over the circumstances that led to your perceived error in judgment. Instead, adapt to the new circumstances you must face by considering how you can use your intelligence, inner strength, and intuition to aid you in moving forward more mindfully. Try not to entirely avoid thinking about the choices you have made, but reflect on the consequences of your decision from a rational rather than an emotional standpoint. Strive to under! stand why you made the choice you did, forgive yourself, and then move forward. A perceived mistake becomes a valuable learning experience and is, in essence, a gift to learn and grow from. You are not a bad person and you are not your decisions; you are simply human.

the end brings a new beginning

So as most of you know, I just got out of a really bad relationship a few months ago. I haven't really been able to vent about it the way I wanted to. I don't have too many people I can talk to about these things so instead I shall blog. Before we started dating, him and I were very close for years. I'd met him on some random shit and we talked on the phone and consoled each other through things for years. I guess you can say he was my best friend for a long time. We finally realized that there was a lot of physical chemistry going on between us around Thanksgiving 08' and we decided to give being in a relationship a shot. At first things were perfect; he was my boyfriend and my best friend, what was there not to like. But as time progressed in the short amount of time we were together, he slowly started to drift away from me. I was constantly going above and beyond to try to make him happy and yet he'd barely make an effort to ever do anything for me. His selfishness and greed was what ultimately made me throw my hands up. There were several occasions I suppose you could classify his actions as neglect. Such as the time he left me at his friends house while he was on the next floor messing around with a female. Now granted at this time, if I remember correctly I don't believe we were official at this point but still it's just the principal of the whole matter. I wasn't so upset that he went upstairs for a while as much as I was upset with what happened while it all went down. I'm cool with the guys who I was staying with while he was upstairs. We were all friends and for the most part everyone respectful and cool. However on this night everyone but me had been drinking and partying. For a majority of the night I was a little upset. My feelings for him had been growing and up until this point he spent most of his time hanging out with me. So when all of the sudden he switched it up I wasn't as hopeful about the outcome of our overall relationship. As we're hanging out and I'm venting to the guys about it, we hear a bunch of popping noises. We ran to the window (because we're on the 5th floor) and saw a car speeding down the street and more popping noises. There was shooting right outside of the building. So because I was new to the area and wasn't familiarized with the people around me I started to get really anxious and upset. Here I am, at his friends house... with the sole purpose of hanging out with him, and he's upstairs with some stupid ass tramp too busy to come down and check and see if I'm okay. For all I knew he could have been outside when it was going down. So as you can imagine I was a nervous wreck. Since all of this went down, I started blowing up his phone. No answer. For the whole entire night... there was no answer. He left me alone with his friends that I are mere acquaintances to me with no regards to how I was feeling. Later on that night... one of his jack off friends stole the keys to my car and went to the liquor store. Well 4-5 hours after he left he still hadn't returned. His other friend who owned the apartment was home with me, drunk, and completely being obnoxious. So I call the car in stolen only then to find out that when he came back from the liquor store that he had stopped at his apartment downstairs and fell asleep. So I called my car in stolen to the police for absolutely no reason. Then when I called the police to let them know my car was in fact not stolen they told me that they couldn't erase the case by phone and that an officer had to come in and confirm that everything was okay. So I'm on the south side mind you and it's about 6:30AM. I had about 20 minutes of sleep all together and I had to be at work by 8AM. As I sat until about 7:30AM waiting for the stupid ass Chicago Police to get there I said to myself, " I have to be in Des Plaines at 8AM and it's already 7:30AM... fuck this shit I'm out" and so I decided to leave. All this bullshit I went through... all that could have been circumvented had his stupid ass just came the fuck home that night. But he had an excuse... always did and always will. He was at his mother's house at the time and when she heard the gunshots she wouldn't let him leave the house! So convenient for him, he got out of that one... even though I still resent him to this day for that whole mess. You'd think after that things would get better... I remember thinking... gosh I can't get any worse than that. However, I was sadly mistaken. Things did get worse and kept getting worse until I finally broke it off. I remember one weekend after I got in my car accident and no longer had a vehicle to get to the city... I went out of my way to take the train out there to see him. I got there Friday. Well Saturday he made up some bullshit excuse that he had to go back to his sisters house because he was going "out of town" for reasons he was unable to disclose for me. (fishy right?!) Well my train left late because when I realized it was about time to head home... I had just missed the train that was coming so I just stayed at his friends house, thinking he'd just stay with me until I had to go and walk me to the train station. Silly me, I should have known that he was just going to leave me there and go to his sister's house. So he leaves and calls me when he gets to his sisters house. He says to me, "So when are you leaving?" I said, "As soon as the next train comes... it's not going to be for a minute" Well when he called me back a little later and found out that his friend's nephews were over here he said, "Well I need a little money. So I'm finna come back and pick some up right quick." I said, "Fine. Whatever!" We all had a feeling he was just coming so he could check on me because he found out other guys where there. He comes in checks everyone out... brings me into the room and wants money from me! I gave it to him just so he'd get the fuck out my hair because I was really feeling one of his friends nephews. Shit in my mind, that guy would treat me way better than his lousy ass was treating me. That was the day that I had made up my mind about him. That was finally the day I realized that there were other fish in the sea that were bigger and better human beings that he'd ever be capable of being. So I broke up with him the first time. I said I couldn't deal with the pain and disappointment he was putting me through. Well he sent me a text message saying he was too hurt and didn't want to talk anymore. I couldn't believe he sent me something like that. The way he had been acting towards me had led me to believe he didn't want to be with me anymore. All the drama I went through merely seemed like a way to push me away to the point where I'd break up with him so I was sure he'd be happy about the whole situation. It was strange to have him acting like I was the one that broke his heart... when in fact it was the other way around. So I proposed the idea of an open relationship to see if our relationship was even worth salvaging. Some how in my heart I knew I was just going to be disappointed again but I had to give it one last chance. The Lord let me see what I needed to see though one weekend by chance to gain the closure I truly needed. Let me back track for a second so you fully understand the situation that led to these events. When we were getting ready to see each other for the first time, he was also talking to this other white girl. Now I've never seen this woman in my life. She claims she didn't like me because of some shit on my space that happened a few years back. I think one of my blogs may explain a certain set of events as well but this is the whole story. But anyways she told him that she didn't like me for whatever gay ass reason she had. Now mind you she's 28 years old and has 2 kids if I remember correctly. Yet she's still caught up in My Space drama... (get a life bitch and take care of your kids and stay out of my business!) So just know that this bitch was hating on me from the get go! Well the weekend we dubbed our relationship to and open one... I had plans to come out to the city and hang out with his friend's nephew. He told me he wasn't feeling good anyways so I didn't have to come see him at all that weekend. The original plan was I was going to go hang out with his friend's nephew, and then later on I'd be able to spend the night at his friend's house. Well the morning of the day I had the plans. His friend calls me and tells me that his female friend from out of state was coming in early so I couldn't spend the night. So as you could imagine I was pissed because the one thing I was looking forward to all week was now jeopardized because of some bullshit. Well, because I'm the type of person who gets what I want no matter what at times, I still came out on the train. I decided to be a twit and not look at the weekend forecast before I went out there. So when my train arrived at 47th it was pouring rain and it was cold. So I start walking. I stopped at Walgreen's and got an umbrella but decided halfway to his nephews house the rain was getting to bad so I needed to go inside somewhere for a minute until the rain subsided. So I stopped at the building. The security guards let me in and I just stood in the lobby and was waiting for the rain to stop. Well about 5 minutes after I got there... guess who walks in with the same white girl that's been hating on me! You know who! The fucked up part is that he's supposed to be at home resting because he's "Sick" and then what was even more fucked up was the fact that he walked in looked at me and kept right on walking to the end of the hall way without saying a word to me. That was about all the closure I needed. After that I just threw my hands up. We were going to try to be friends until the stupid bitch hit me up on my space hating on me yet again because she has absolutely no life evidently. When she told him to choose between her or me... he claimed that he told her to take a hike and that just because him and I didn't work out as a couple didn't mean he was going to throw years of friendship out for something so juvenile. HA! Then explain to me why he didn't bother to answer my calls or call me for the whole two weeks he wasn't around... uh-huh that's what I thought! He calls on Easter and says, "Hey how you doing?" and I said to him, "I'm great just spending time with family... it is Easter after all." The whole time I'm on the phone with him there is this awkward electricity I suppose you can call it. Finally I got sick and tired of acting like everything was okay and just said to him, "Look, I'm sick of being disappointed and I'm sick of being lied to. You told me you told her that if she couldn't accept us being friends you wouldn't talk to her anymore. You said she couldn't accept it... yet for two weeks you don't call me... and then I see pictures with you and her hanging out. So you've already made your choice. Don't call me anymore because I'm sick of disappointment..." And I hung up! Thank God that is over!!! But I had to get that out otherwise that drama would have plagued me for who knows how long!!! I'm just glad it's over and never ever again!!! Fuck stupid ass men that don't now how to treat women... I'm ready for a real man now!!!

Ultimate Breakfast Food: Omelets

So everyone keeps raving about pancakes, waffles and French toast... blah! :) I hear your arguments and I can agree with every one of them. However I'd like to bring a new idea to the table. See pancakes, waffles, and French toast all have one thing in common; syrup and butter. Those are high in sugar, high in calories, and high in the not so good stuff that clog our arteries. I guess since I always seem to be that voice of logical reasoning that it's no surprise what my breakfast of choice is: Omelets. Now with an omelet you can do just about anything. You can throw in some meat, throw in some vegetables, and let’s face it the best part CHEESE! Omelets are diversified and neutral... you can put just about anything in an omelet. Well maybe not anything, unless your one of those people who have of stomach of steel. Omelets are the healthy yet tasty solution to any breakfast meal. The melted cheese accentuates the eggs and the ingredients that are tossed in only give it more flavor. If cheese and eggs are too bland for you... why not spice it up with some hot peppers or even try putting hot sauce or ketchup on it once you’re done. Hot sauce is always the logical solution to any bland diet. (At least for me) And unless your lactose and tolerant or a vegan CHEESE ROCKS! :)

Stand Up!!

So the other night I went bowling with my best friend Kristin. I had to pick him up near central and lake (west side of Chicago). Well needless to say I'm not big with driving down blocks especially on the west side, so I picked him up at a shopping center. Well I arrived before him, so I just sat in the parking lot and waited till he arrived. Well I parked facing a fence that separated some apartments from the shopping center parking lot and on the other side of the fence there were children playing. Well they were climbing up on the fence and noticed I was sitting there in my car. I smiled at them, reminiscing back to the days when I was a kid and things were so much more simpler. Well my trip down memory lane was abruptly snatched from me when these bad ass little kids began to throw rocks at my car. I thought the first one was maybe just an accident so I sat in my car and tried to shake it off, all the while looking at the time. Well then another rock and another rock and then another rock flew over the fence and hit my car. Well that's when I started to get a little frustrated. Then I see these kids peek over the fence tossing a rock in their hands contemplating throwing some more rocks at my car. My eyes met the kids and it was kind of like a stare off. I shook my head no and mouthed the words, "Please stop!" Well despite my efforts to calmly handle the situation, these punks (who probably ranged from the ages of 5 to 10 years) started throwing rocks again despite the fact I could see them doing it. So then I unrolled my window and said, "Stop it now!" Well one of the little jerks called me a "Cracker!" and I was damn near about to go off on the little fucker when Thank God my friend came to the rescue and I was able to leave. But that whole experience brought a lot of anxiety and disappointment in my mind about our world today and the future of the generations to come. It scares me to see society moving backwards. I thought (naivety on my part maybe) that this was 2009 and although I was aware that racism does in fact exist, I'm just extremely disappointed that racism has been passed through generations the way it has. I grew up oblivious to color and with the realization that color didn't make a man. Each human being is a different living, feeling, breathing human being and they have the right to the same blessings and opportunities as I have. I was blessed to be raised in that kind of environment I guess. Unfortunately I suppose not everyone is as blessed as me. It's apparent that our children our being robbed of their innocence by parents and role models condoning ignorance and hatred instead of good solid morals and values. In an age where it's so hard to survive on your own, more and more parents are forced to take on 2-3 jobs at a time just to support their families. Although I don't view this as an excuse, I do realize that it is part of the problem. Families aren't as close knit as they used to be. TV, media, and mainstream society are raising our children to be monsters; Sex fueled, drug addicted, crime causing children. Children merely mimic the behavior that they see exhibited the most throughout their life. So if they have poor role models and don't have the right people to look up to; it's obvious where their lives will end up going. It's time for people to stand up, take their families back and start investing their time in others in a positive manner instead of being selfish and self absorbed. We have to stop being oblivious to the problems going on around us because, like my father always says, "Being like and ostrich and sticking your head in the sand isn't going to solve anything because chances are, when you finally decide to take your head out, the problem is still going to be there; and sometimes when you take your head out, depending on how long you hid away from that problem, it could have become bigger and much more worse then it was before you ran away from it." So people, teach you children that all humans are equal. I ask to any "Minority" (I put that in quotations because I don't believe there are minorities any more... that's just a stigmatized term to fuel segregation and racism into existence) to teach your children the meaning of equality, teach them that all humans no matter what creed or color are created equal. Stop bitching about people being racist when you are being a hypocrite. Practice what you preach and stop hating on a group of people when there are plenty people out there that accept you for you and not the color of your skin. I'm sick of hearing people complain about racism yet they turn around and do the exact thing they so strongly seem to oppose. Wake up and realize complaining never changed shit... words don't change things, actions do. So stand up America! Will the Human Race please stand up before we get caught up in the vicious cycle we're headed for. I just hope it's not too late...

Females & MySpace Haters

Sometimes I get down on myself because I don't have many friends that are females. I feel like being friends with all men can cause people to think I'm either too promiscuous or that there's something wrong with me. It's just every time I have an encounter with a female I'm not fortunate to come around females who are respectful and know how to respect other people. Here's a situation that came around the other day. An ex boyfriend of mine and me we're conversing on my space. Although we're not together anymore we're still friends. Then I find out the person I'm talking to isn't him after all. It ends up being this girl that he's "friends" with. It doesn't really matter what her relation to him is because I'm over that whole situation, it's done and over with. Yet this female decides to call me a bunch of derogatory names that were completely uncalled for. After her little immature rant she also decided to tell me that she'd slap the shit out of me if she ever came across me. Now please note I've never met this girl before. She claims she knows me from back in the day because we "fought over some guy on my space." To my knowledge I don't remember doing that but there is a chance it was possible seeing as when we're younger sometimes we don't act the way we're supposed to. I tried to get her to stop going off on me by repeatedly saying, "Look I don't know you. Quite honestly from the way your acting I don't want to know you. I don't have anything against you so drop this." Yet she decided to continue going off on me. I know I should have done the mature thing and blocked her email but me being a female and also feeling some what threatened by her comments about smacking me and quite offended with some other comments she made about my personal life... i lashed back by saying "I hope your children aren't as spiteful and nasty as you." Which maybe wasn't the right thing to say but I was angry and I didn't think before I said it. Well obviously she blew the fuck up on me and that's when I just said I'm sorry I went there that was ignorant it won't happen again." And I signed off. Well later on that night my ex calls me and told me I was bogus. Turns out the wench made me out to be the bad guy, and although I didn't act the most admirable I was woman enough to apologize for the wrong I did yet still made sure he knew the whole story regardless of whether it painted me in a good light or not. He didn't take a side but I was quite surprised that after learning the truth that he was still going to hang out with such a disrespectful woman. The worst part is... she's 28 years old has two kids yet shes sitting on my space arguing with a woman 6 years younger than her. Turns out, Thank God, Shawn saw that she wasn't the nicest person because she told him, " If your friends with that girl I can't be friends with you." And he correctly responded, "Well then forget you because I'm not throwing 4-5 years of friendship away just because you don't like her." I was relieved that he made the right decision. Or so I felt he made the right decision. Whether I'm right wrong or indifferent, I didn't want it to get as far as it did however she couldn't just drop the situation and leave me alone! I still don't really want to log on to my my space because if I see another email from her I just might flip. But i think the right thing to do in that situation is not even read it and just block her. Forget that she exists and just move the heck on. That is just the prime example of pettiness that prevents me from ever really wanting to be friends with women. Although I know that's not how all women are, it's mainly society within itself, not merely restricted to a certain gender. But it's just a prime example of why society is doomed. Because we're too worried about other people and starting drama that we can't serve our purpose in society and function the way we're supposed to. Things like My Space and Face book and Black Planet sometimes i think are just ways to keep us focused on anything but what we're supposed to. When will people learn to just worry about themselves and stop butting into other peoples business. If you don't like someone that's great and that's fine... but leave them alone if you don't like them. Shit you don't have to go look at their my space... if you do and you try to start shit your obviously just jealous of something... either that or you have no life... so if you don't care about someone enough to say something productive... go find someone you can care about or gosh care about yourself and stop wasting your time trying to build your self esteem up by attempting to break down another's... DEUCES HATERS!