July 8th 2010

For some odd reason I have this lingering feeling that I’m missing something very important. As I pray for guidance I continue to try to keep my mind clear of negativity the best I can. For the most part I feel like when I’m on my own things are care free and peaceful. I feel like when I start to incorporate friends into my life I often take on their stresses although I don’t mean to. I guess it’s just my nature. It drives me insane to see my friends being used, hurt, or not living up to their full potential. The question I have to keep asking myself is, “How much can I truly worry about everyone else, when I in fact am too distracted taking care of everyone else’s problems to acknowledge my own?” So badly do I want to maintain a love life and a social life but lately it seems as if I’m too easily distracted to juggle those things all together. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I’m messing my life up completely, but I find myself sacrificing my wants and desires so I can get my friends and family on the same page. I suppose it could be my fear of being alone that drives me to do the things that I do. Honestly I don’t know what to do. There are so many things that I have to work on within at this point. I guess it’s really just where I am at with my life that I’m frustrated with. I feel that I’m not living to my full potential. I’m still not sure how to fix that. I suppose I need to start implementing more of my ideas and start doing more things for myself as opposed to trying to do things for others all the time. It’s just hard because my heart tends to drown out anything my conscious has to say at times. My heart can drown out even the loudest of voices such as my Father. Things are getting better though don’t get me wrong. I’m not nearly depressed as I sometimes may seem it’s just that sometimes when I’m overcome with all these different feelings and I don’t know how to sort through them, I get overwhelmed and frustrated and usually appear to be having a breakdown. I suppose it’s my dysfunctional way of coping with things although currently I’m re-evaluating those coping mechanisms so as to not go crazy. I think I just have way too much time on my hands that I’m not using to do things for myself. This needs to change immediately!